I struggle with depression. Sometimes it gets really bad. To the point where someone asks what’s good in my life and I can’t think of a single thing.
The past few weeks have been extremely rough. Each day was progressively worse.
I love the team I work with, but every single night I was dreading going to work more and more.
I was sitting at home on my nights off and just staring at blank space, unable to do anything productive.
And the super crazy part? I have some truly amazing things happening in my life.
Because of the negative, however, all I could focus on was the darkness. The pit of despair that was clouding my mind.
I finally reached a stopping point the night before last. I had two separate groups of people openly mock my position as security.
On a regular day, I wouldn’t care. Two days ago? I had to go downstairs away from guests and cry because I felt so worthless.
I realized just how bad things had gotten.
When I got home yesterday, I sat down and forced myself (yes you read that right) to spend time with God.
See, in my life, I always turn to God when things are good. When things are light.
When things get rough, I tend to try to fix it all myself. And when I fail at fixing it myself, I separate myself from God. I don’t want to show my failure-face to Him.
Or, really, I don’t want to admit that I messed up. Again.
But yesterday, I knew things had to change.
I sat down with my journal and just started pouring out my heart.
Yeah, there were more tears. But once I got through the initial first few minutes of needing to force myself to spend time with God? I felt free and I enjoyed the rest of my dedicated time with Him.
I went to work last night with a smile. A real one. And I didn’t feel nearly as broken anymore.
And today when I got home from work? I GOT to spend time with God. There was no forcing it this time. It was just me and God.
I can’t say that everything in my life is resolved. I can’t say I have a solid plan moving forward.What
I can say, though, is this: there’s always something to be grateful about.
My prayer yesterday is that God would help me find peace and joy in the madness. And that’s exactly what He did last night after I woke up and got to work.
Last week, I told you why I believe in God. This week, He proved Himself again.
Whatever you’re going through… I can’t pretend to understand. But what I can promise you: God is with you, He loves you, and He wants you to know you matter.
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