Okay, I realize that title, “When to Let Go of Hope,” probably sounds really ominous, but stick with me for a few and you’ll see where I’m going with this, I promise!
The full title, what this post is really about, is: Knowing when to let go of hope and when to hang on. Or: Using wisdom when figuring out when to let go of hope and when to hang on.
I think you get the picture.
Either way, it’s not sad post, or one telling you to give up. Not at all!
It’s actually one that I hope will give you a lot of encouragement as you walk out this crazy thing called life. This isn’t an end-all-be-all guide; I’m not that wise, but I’m hoping I can help you out a little as you navigate some of the trickier aspects of life. I’ve had to work through some of these things recently, and none of it has been easy. Some of it has been a months-long process, while some of it has been spur of the moment.
But I digress.
As I thought about what to write this week, I really got to reflecting on what’s been happening in my life, and the processes I’ve been going through in trying to figure out which things to let go of and which things to hang on to, and I felt like some of that would really come in handy here.
My biggest advice to you is: if holding on to the hoped-for dream is causing you more harm than good (it’s creating deep-seated anxiety, taking up all of your time and attention, and never seeming to resolve), then it’s probably something you need to let go of—as much as you might not want to hear it.
My Hopes—Healthy and Unhealthy
I figure sharing two solid examples is the best option here.
For me, a healthy hope that I plan to hold on to is my hope to be a traditionally published author of Christian teen/YA fiction (and eventually non-fiction). At times, this process doesn’t move as quickly as I would like. I get in my head—what many call “imposter syndrome”—and worry that I’m not good enough, that no one will want to publish my books and that, even if a house does pick them up, no one will want to buy them.
And then I remember that I’m in school for publishing and that the process for traditional publishing (before a publishing house even picks up a book) can take years. And that reminder helps ground me back in reality and the anxiety backs up again.
But how does the anxiety back away and not take over? The answer to this question is actually quite simple: I didn’t write these books simply because I wanted to write them. I felt led to write them. I realize that I may lose some of you here because of my beliefs, but this is a conviction I will carry with me forever.
My sophomore year of college, I was a resident assistant. I was up late one night in my dorm playing worship music on YouTube. Now, back then, they didn’t have all the playlists, nor did they have a feature to automatically play the next video, but they did have on the sidebar individual videos that were “recommended for you” based on what you were watching. And a video popped up called “Meet Jade.” It was so different from everything else I had been playing that I almost ignored it, but something made me select it.
Then followed several hours of watching teens tells their stories—stories of bullying, ostracism, hate—and how they chose to deal with all of that—self-harm, alcohol, drugs, sex—all without saying a single word. They used index cards, simple study tools, to write their stories out and slowly let viewers read it line by line. By the end of the first video, I had tears rolling down my face. By hour two, I had a fire burning inside. I stopped the final video I could watch that night and prayed, “God, what am I supposed to do with this?”
Never before had I heard anything so clearly: “You need to tell their stories.”
It’s taken me quite a few more years than I originally expected to get them written and finally start walking the path to tell the stories for all the lost and broken teens and young adults out there who feel they don’t have a voice, but I know that these books are coming to life at the time God wants them. No, I’m not telling any of the actual kids’ stories, but many people will see their life reflected in the lives of the teens in these books. And wrapped within the pages is the story of Grace, the story of salvation.
And because of everything above, I will not abandon my hope in this dream.
Now, my not-so-healthy hope.
Last year I met someone. Someone with whom I felt an instant connection. He was easy to talk to and we got along really well. I thought it was going somewhere.
Until he asked someone else out.
And then it turned into a steady relationship.
Despite that, there was still this hope in the back of my mind that, eventually, he would change his mind and come back.
What I eventually came to realize is that (1) if he had chosen to break up with her to pursue me instead, I wouldn’t have trusted him because that’s cheating, (2) it was just plain wrong on my end, and (3) feeling a connection on my end doesn’t mean anything (it doesn’t mean he felt a connection, nor does it mean it would have been a good relationship).
I had to completely let go of all hope there, which was the right (and healthy) thing to do, but it was hard.
Letting go of hope for that relationship, though, doesn’t mean I should let go of hope for all relationships—though I’m definitely not looking anytime soon. I wasn’t even looking then!
And that’s the important part here. Finding a good and healthy balance.
In my second example, I don’t think it’s a bad thing for me to let go of hope for a relationship in general. However, there does come a point when seeking a relationship does become unhealthy, and that’s when you may need to take a step back and re-evaluate. Maybe you don’t need to let go of a hope altogether in that situation, but you may need to take a break and work with a counselor to see why you need to be in a relationship.
Hopes and dreams come in many different forms. Some of them can start out good and innocent, but left unchecked, they can turn unhealthy in a heartbeat. And often, your friends and family members will see it before you do. So if someone close to you starts questioning you about something you’re doing (especially if you get immediately defensive), I suggest you stop and take a good, hard look at the state of your life.
Evaluate your hopes. Prune the ones that are sucking the life out of you, and nurture the ones that give your life real meaning. You’ll be surprised at how much fuller your life becomes when you do.
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Brittany Stonestreet 