I don’t know about you, but confrontation is probably the thing I like to do least in the world, and that includes physical activities like running. And that’s saying something, because I absolutely despise running. And playing sports. I’m just… not coordinated… or active…
Anyway, if anyone makes a comment to or about me, I internalize it and feel bad about myself. Over time, I begin to resent the other person. As more time passes, every little thing that person does starts to gain a deeper meaning and adds to the hurt growing inside of me. I can even become angry inside toward that person, though I usually never act on that anger. Usually, I just cut that person out of my life altogether, no second chances (or fourth, really, because I tend to be a doormat toward people for multiple hurts until I lose all faith in their potential goodness and give up).
Twice in my life (the second being just this last week), the person I had issues with made the effort and reached out the olive branch. And both times, I made the decision to go ahead and meet with them and talk it out.
For both of these situations, tears were shed and the relationship was restored. In the first instance, the friend was aware of what went wrong and felt bad and, when this person’s life turned around, they reached out to me. We found healing in the reconciliation. In this second instance, the friend wasn’t aware of what happened, just that I had started distancing myself and that it had started speeding up in the recent past.
Neither of us, in this second instance, liked confrontation, but we both cared deeply enough about the heart of our friendship that this person was willing to reach out and I was willing to put my hurt aside and meet them in the middle.
Confrontation is never fun. It’s never easy. It takes humility and a willingness to consider that maybe you viewed things from the wrong perspective.
Yes, there are times where reconciliation isn’t possible. There will be times where the person becomes defensive and blames you. There are gaslighters out there. There are abusers out there.
I had someone who was willing to step in as a mediator during this second confrontation, but I felt I needed to do this one on my own, and it went really well. But if you feel you can’t do it on your own, find a safe, neutral person to be a mediator. It could be a therapist or a pastor, a friend or neighbor or relative. But it needs to be someone who won’t gang up on the other person and take your side without being willing to hear out the other person’s side of things.
As for abusers and gaslighters (which I also am going to consider abusers here, because it’s a form of mental abuse)… If you can get away from them, do. I realize that’s a hard ask. Some of you may feel trapped. Maybe you have children with your abuser and you don’t know how to get yourself AND them away. Maybe you’ve just never felt empowered to find your way free. Visit this website if you find yourself in a situation like this.
Confrontation is hard. It should only be done if you feel it is safe to do so. There are times where you should simply cut off the relationship. Reconciliation doesn’t always need to happen. But for those friendships that started off great and then got derailed by something or several somethings, it might be time schedule a mediation or ask them simply to meet you for coffee and have a heart to heart.
Like, comment, share, and subscribe!!! 💙😊
Brittany Stonestreet 